Here I am at the same place I find myself every time I start a blog. Perhaps this time I should take notice and change accordingly.
I have this journal problem. I own 20 journals, easy. I picture my life in chapters, and each time a new chapter starts I buy a new journal because I don't want the old, worn out parts of my life to mix with the new and exciting. As if they don't deserve to grace the same pages, otherwise what's new and fresh might be tainted and ruined. But really, what ends up happening is I collect this pile of unfinished journals; unfinished stories, unfinished feelings, unfinished dreams and hopes.
If you've followed me over the last few years, you realize I do the same things with blogs these days. This particular blog was meant to document the "Autism Chapter."
Until I realized autism wasn't just a chapter.
If I allowed it to be, Autism was the whole book. And that was the most depressing story I could have ever lived. And I was miserable.
And I've come to realize some really important things in the last month or so, but especially this past week:
Autism does not define my life. It especially doesn't define M's life. I have permission to do things for myself. M has permission to be exactly who she is; God made her that way on purpose. Neither of us are a slave to autism. And that is really, really good news for me.
Autism is not the entirety of our story, and I am stealing our life back and running full speed ahead.
God has begun something new and exciting in our story, and I am ready to step into it. I've been waiting lifetimes for this very season to begin. I am so happy to say goodbye to the old and fully embrace and invest in the new. Is autism still a part of it? Sure. It always will be. It's not what I signed up for, it's not what M deserves and I would change it if I could... but I can't. This is it. This is life. It's happening. And I'm in.
For starters, I will be going to Fuller in the fall for Marriage and Family Therapy, just like I have been dreaming and planning for the last year and a half! That is my first step towards freedom.
There are all sorts of new blossoms (blossoms are too small- more like new trees, new oceans, new mountains) being born in our lives; the dead is falling away and making room for new life! Winter is over. Spring is here. Thank you Jesus.
This blog makes me sad. So it's going to fall away too. This blog labels my kid and might embarrass her one day. This blog narrows the lens through which people view her. We aren't going to pretend M doesn't have autism moving forward, but we are going to take the spotlight off of it and start living again. There is a time to mourn, a time to hurt, but there is also a time to live. I'm ready to do some proper living.
Please keep our family in your prayers! Your love, support and encouragement have been priceless. Thank you so much for everything.